Tuesday, February 06, 2007

You Could Always Hitchhike! (by the Son-ster)

Did I happen to mention that our son is a reporter for his college student magazine? Here's his December 12, 2003 article, just in time for frostbite season.

You Could Always Hitchhike!

Getting Around this Winter

It's time for us to hit the typical [city in upstate New York] weather pattern: snow, ice, freezing rain, and bone-chilling cold. One of the worst things about winter just might be trying to get around in the midst of it--particularly, getting to class. Difficult enough for those of us without cars [note: he now owns a car] in the civil months, getting to class in the winter becomes downright unbearable. Have no fear. Read on for some advice on how to get to class--regardless of the weather.

There are several methods you could use to make your way across campus in icy, snowy, rainy, windy, and altogether bad conditions. There is the old standby, the shut-up-and-slough-through-it method. I think that one is self-explanatory. Then, there's the bus. Unfortunately, the buses here suck, so we are going to pass it over in favor of more interesting methods. After all, you should be creative if you intend to get anywhere in life, so be creative in getting just a short distance.

Creative Solution 1: Hijack a tractor and make them drive you to class. This is not very practical and will probably get you arrested shortly after you arrive at class, so it pretty much defeats the purpose. I for one would rather lose a toe to frostbite than spend a few years in jail.

Creative Solution 2: Construct a tunnel to the academic side. This one assumes that you live in the dorms. [Note: The walkway from the "dorm side" of the campus to the "academic side," where the classroom buildings are located, is so long that it's known as "The Quarter Mile."] People have been whining about it for years. If you want to try, be my guest, but don't be shocked when you wind up in an asylum. That is, if you don't hit a hot water pipe and fry yourself first. Not recommended.

Not So Creative Solution 1: Get a bunch of people together and construct some sort of teleporter to the other side of campus. If you can do this, congratulations, you are the new most famous scientist ever. Otherwise, you're a loony who will probably fail to graduate for a lack of contact with reality.

Creative Solution 3: Ice Skates. This only works in certain conditions, and is more than a little likely to get you in trouble when you get where you're going and carve up the carpet just by walking. Since it's nearly impossible to skate with any kind of weight, you'll need to leave all your books and supplies behind. This is not too practical, especially if you're an art student. Oh, and then there's what happens if you hit a dry spot. Student health insurance ain't gonna cover that.

Creative Solution 4: Move to a warmer climate. Then you'll only have to deal with flooding, drought, and the occasional tornado or monsoon.

Not So Creative Solution 2: Magic (Not the card game, the real stuff). You should only attempt this if you are very good. Teleportation spells should not be used lightly. The smallest mistake could land you in another reality, a nuclear reactor, or just splattered across half the state of New York ("splinched," as they call it in Harry Potter). Or worse, you could end up like my friend Sarah. She now has way too many arms, has to walk backwards, and molts. I take no responsibility if you go this route.

Creative Solution 5: Cross Country Skiing. You might have a problem with the hill between the SAU [Student Alumni Union building] and the Library, but otherwise it's a pretty good idea. Campus Safety doesn't like it, but unless they commandeer a tractor (or, duh, use their cars), you shouldn't have any problem out-running them. As long as you are wearing a ski mask, you can probably fight them off even if they do catch up with you, since we all know that ski masks immediately endow the wearer with super kung-fu powers. Once you get to class, you can just say that you're in one of the Wellness skiing classes. I would try this myself, but I can't ski.

There you have it, some tips on how to get to class. Don't let these limit you, though. Expand your horizons. Reach for the farthest star. "Be all that you can be" and all that. But, in the meantime, stop stalling and finish your homework! It won't do you any good getting to class if you get an F anyway.


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